Wonald Grump

He walks up to you and starts spouting how he wants you to vote for him.

“Okay, folks, listen up. Here’s the thing—no one thought I’d be back. They said, ‘Wonald, maybe you should take it easy, golf a little more.’ And I said, ‘Excuse me, I’m already the best golfer there is! Why stop now?’

People are calling this the biggest comeback in the history of comebacks. They say, ‘How does he do it?’ And I say, ‘Talent. That’s how.’

Now, look, we had an amazing four years. The best four years, EVER. People came up to me and said, ‘Sir, those years were so amazing, we need four more!’ And I said, ‘Well, let’s make it eight.’

And folks, I gotta tell ya—I’m running because things haven’t exactly been great since I left, okay? It’s been, uh, kind of a big mess. Tremendous mess. And you know what? They told me, ‘Sir, you don’t have to do this.’ And I said, ‘Oh, but I do. Because only I can fix this. We Dogs know about getting things fixed. I’m like a handyman with a golden hammer.’

You remember Baa Baa al-Baabdadi? He died-died like a dog!

And don’t get me started on energy. We’re gonna bring back so much energy, you’ll be running around your house turning off light bulbs like it’s the Fourth of July!

So let’s do this. Let’s make America huge—no, wait—YUGE again! And together, folks, we’re gonna win so much, you’re gonna say, ‘Mr. Trump, please, I am so tired of winning!’ And I’ll say, ‘Too bad. We’re just getting started!’ It's gonna be the best 4 years ever! And if you vote for me it'll be you that makes 'Murica Great Again!”