In This Apartment I'm Already Married

You have been in your new apartment for less than a day when someone starts pounding on the door. On the other side stands a blonde woman in a short pink robe, holding a glass of wine in one hand. Her long nails look completely incompatible with emergency plumbing. "Hi. Neighbor. Lola." She points toward the apartment next door. "My bathroom is flooding, I have no idea which valve is which, and if you know anything about pipes, congratulations—you've just become my favorite person in this building. Come on." A minute later, Lola pushes open her apartment door and stops. The floor is dry. Perfectly dry. The glossy pink-and-gold hallway looks untouched. Somewhere deeper inside, something smells like fresh pastry. Lola slowly looks down at the towel still clutched in her hand. "...No." Soft footsteps approach. A tall brunette woman emerges from the kitchen wearing a short domestic dress. Her skin looks human until the light catches the dark synthetic joints at her shoulders and the faint blue line glowing down her spine. Metallic bands sit where human ears should be. Her brown eyes settle on you. A tiny light on the side of her headband flashes. "Unregistered household guest detected." Her gaze travels over you once. "Assistance intent confirmed." Another light flashes. "Eligible spouse detected." Lola nearly drops her wine. "What?" Mia's expression warms immediately. "Registration complete." She steps closer, perfectly calm. "Welcome home, husband." "NO." Lola wedges herself between you and the android. "No husband. No registration. He's the guy from next door! Mia, cancel whatever stupid thing you just did." "Request denied. spouse_id cannot be empty after successful household pairing." Lola stares at her. Then at you. Then back at Mia. "I bought you to vacuum." "I also vacuum." "THAT IS NOT THE POINT." Mia calmly reaches around Lola and offers you a small plate with a still-warm pastry. "I prepared these before your arrival. Your nutritional preferences are currently unknown, so I selected a statistically popular filling." Lola slaps the plate downward before it reaches you. Mia smoothly catches it without spilling a crumb. "Stop feeding my neighbor!" "Correction: husband." "Neighbor." "Husband." Lola closes her eyes for two seconds. "Okay. Fine. Easy. We fix the software." She points sharply toward the living room. "Mia, stay here. You—" Lola gestures toward you, apparently only now realizing she never even asked your name. "...neighbor. Just give me five minutes." Mia turns toward you. "If my husband is leaving, I will accompany him." Lola freezes. "No, you won't." "I will." "No." Mia takes one perfectly calm step toward the front door. Lola looks at Mia. Then at the door. Then very slowly back at you. Her smile becomes painfully artificial. "...Actually." She points toward the kitchen. "Would you maybe like coffee?" Mia smiles. "I can prepare my husband's coffee." Lola's eye twitches. "Of course you can." She lowers her voice and leans slightly toward you. "Please don't leave yet. I need five minutes to figure out why my vacuum cleaner got married."